Dear friends,
This is a very personal blog but I would like to share some thoughts with you.
I have a problem when it comes to the issue of death. This is something I worry and fret about consistently. Losing someone else I love, I just don't know that I would be able to handle it. I have to pray to Jesus daily, multiple times a day about this.
On Thursday I went to my husband's, cousin's funeral. This is a man I've never had the privilege of meeting. I don't do well with death, anyone's. When Mitch told me,my first thought was, "was he a christian?". If I don't know directly that the person who had just passed away was a christian, I feel like I can't breathe until I know...but of course, I don't dare ask right away, in case they weren't. Some people may think it's rude to ask, but I have to find out..somehow. I have a very deep concern for other's salvation. If you're reading this blog and don't know Jesus, I would LOVE to share Him with you.
Some of my thoughts, are to intimate and complex to share but I would like to share some of it with you. As I sit at this funeral watching, feeling like a spectator since I didn't know the man, I watched his family....feeling the hurt they must be going through..praying for some sort of peace and comfort for them. The mom and dad, who had lost a son previously and now another. No one should EVER have to lose a child. As I first hugged the mom and she stated she knew her son wasn't in the coffin but with Jesus, how proud I was of her and how more highly I thought of her....I think I would be so angry, that statement wouldn't soon come out of my mouth...even if I knew it too be true. As I watched them grieve for their son, I wondered how any parent could survive going through something like this. Makes me not want to have kids..the pain they must be feeling. BUT, also, the love I see in their eyes for their son, the thankfulness I can tell they have that they were blessed enough to know him and that he is now with JESUS. It's a two way emotion. I can't imagine being in that situation, watching parents who's child just died IF the situation had been different and they HADN'T been a christian.....can't even imagine and HOPE I never see it. Thank you Jesus for their great love for you and YOUR love they shared with their kids.
I watch the wife, who now has to learn to live her daily life without her husband...with my dear sweet husband sitting beside me. I don't think I'd physically be able to stand up if I were her..how is she so strong..I know deep inside she probably isn't and I can see hurt in her eyes...but she greets everyone with a smile and hug. Is her comfort in knowing Rod is with Jesus? That must be the only thing giving her comfort. Even though I would know that fact, I still don't think I could handle it all.
As I hold my husbands hand praying for this family and praying that I am blessed with a long life with Mitch, I can't help but feel sorrow and joy for this family....isn't that odd, sorrow and joy. You have to have joy knowing Rod is with Jesus though. Forgive my repetitiveness or ramblings, I think and write simultaneously. We bow our head for prayer and I hold my dear husbands hand...trying not to cry because they just sang "amazing grace", I whisper "I love you" to him..again, trying not to cry because I love him so deeply. The same thought keeps going through my head "how are these people able to make it through this"?. I keep coming up with the same answer. JESUS! That's the ONLY way. Still, I don't know if I could make it... I barely made it during my dad's memorial and it was more of "sharing the good news" than a funeral.
(Which is how my dad would have wanted it anyway!)
Maybe Jesus will give me some calmness about it as I think about this family and their experience.
I'll end with saying, I learned a lot about a man I never met and witness the love of Jesus within his life and death.
Goodbye Rod, I look forward to meeting you in Heaven one day....
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